The Attachment Trap
Throughout our lives, we’ll experience a range of important relationships, with romantic partners, friends, and family members. These can be incredibly fulfilling and important for our wellbeing, but can also present challenges, especially when people within these relationships have different attachment styles to our own. One common dynamic that can create tension is the interaction between an anxiously attached person and an avoidantly attached person—what is sometimes referred to as the “attachment trap.”
Anxious attachment is characterized by a strong need for closeness, reassurance, and emotional connection. People with this attachment style can be very good at communicating their emotional needs, and they may often seek frequent validation. They’re likely to feel distressed when they feel like any kind of emotional distance is forming. On the other hand, an avoidant attachment is marked by an aptitude for independence and resilience, but a strong need for personal space when they sense difficulties within their relationships, and a reluctance to be emotionally vulnerable. Those with this attachment style may withdraw when relationships become too emotionally intense, not because they don’t care, but because intimacy can feel overwhelming.
When these two attachment styles interact, it tends to bring our some very intense emotions for both individuals. Our brains are wired to view love based on some of our earliest experiences of relationships, meaning if you’ve got an anxious attachment that says ‘people can’t give me the affection I really need’, you’re likely to be very drawn to the avoidant person, who on some level believes ‘everyone wants too much affection and emotional vulnerability of me’ – and vice versa.
This can then create a pretty intense cycle for anxious and avoidant individuals who have started dating. It goes something like this:
- The anxiously attached person seeks closeness and reaches out for connection and reassurance.
- The avoidantly attached person, feeling pressured, instinctively pulls away to maintain their sense of independence.
- This withdrawal triggers further anxiety in the anxious individual, leading them to seek even more closeness.
- In response, the avoidant individual distances themselves even more, reinforcing the cycle.
This pattern can leave both people feeling misunderstood, rejected, and overwhelmed. It’s not a fun situation for either of them to be in, and the more dysregulated they become, the harder it gets to start seeing the problem for what it is. However, understanding these attachment styles can help break the cycle and create a more balanced relationship.
So how do we navigate this dynamic?
Firstly, we want to Acknowledge Differences. It’s okay for one person to crave closeness while another needs space. The key is finding a middle ground that respects both needs.
We then want to Recognize Different Ways of Expressing Care. Affection isn’t just about physical closeness or words of affirmation. People may express love through shared activities, acts of service, or simply being present. How do you both try and show love and affection?
Communicate Openly and Without Judgment. You should be able to express your feelings calmly and clearly—without pressuring the other person to necessarily have the ‘right’ response, including pointing out the cycle you’re in and seeing about how to collaboratively figure out how to meet both your needs.
Avoid the “Chase-Withdraw” Cycle. If you’re the anxiously attached individual, you can practice self-soothing techniques to reduce the urge to seek constant reassurance, while the avoidantly attached partner can work on becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy.
The goal isn’t for one person to completely change but to find a way to honour each other’s emotional needs. By understanding attachment styles, relationships can move from a cycle of frustration to one of growth and connection.
If you want to understand more about your attachment style and response to conflict, consider reaching out for a free assessment with Garden Room Therapy. We are psychotherapists trained in attachment theory, offering low cost therapy near you or online!
