How do we manage relationships when every argument, one person wants space and the other wants to talk it through ASAP?
When we have arguments with someone we love, a lot can get brought up for us. It’s very normal for any conflict in a relationship to be interpreted in our mind as a threat to ourself, and as a result, some of our most basic and shameful beliefs about ourselves can come to the surface. Beliefs like: ‘My needs are too much’, ‘I’m a burden’, ‘I should be stronger than this’, ‘No one understands me’, ‘People want to leave me’.
This activation of our threat systems and the strength of these thoughts then affect the way we behave when conflict begins. We might feel the overwhelming urge to shut down, to placate, to shout to get our needs heard, to run away, or to ensure the conflict is calmly resolved right now.
So what happens if one half of your relationship has the urge is to talk it out RIGHT NOW because they feel too stressed to sit in these negative emotions, yet the other partner’s urge is to be alone and regulate on their own before they even attempt to navigate the conflict – and why is this dynamic so common?
To answer the second question first, attachment theory has a lot to offer as to why so many couples face this problem. An avoidantly attached individual is more likely to need space during conflict, and an anxiously attached person is more likely to want the conflict resolved instantaneously – and interestingly enough, people with these opposite attachment styles are often more drawn to each other. This is because your brain is wired to release a lot of dopamine, oxytocin, and noradrenaline (strong love chemicals) when you meet someone that is confirming your own worldviews, and when one persons’ deeply held belief is ‘No one can give me as much affection as I need’ and the other’s is ‘Everyone wants me to give more affection than I’m comfortable with’, they’ll both be confirming each other’s worldview very strongly, a lot of the time. However, this doesn’t mean these relationships are destined to fail – but, if you aren’t aware of your ‘runner’ and ‘pusher’ dynamic, you can end up with one person following the other around the house, both rejecting each other’s needs, and becoming less and less regulated as you go. This is not the best way to a happy and healthy relationship.
So what now?
Well, step one is to understand your role in this. Are you the runner or the pusher?
If you’re the pusher, you may have a fear of rejection or abandonment. Conflict sets off your nervous system in a massive way – the physical sensations and emotions are overwhelming. You may have an ‘anxious attachment’ type. You feel the need to resolve the conflict immediately. Maybe this gives you control. Maybe it reassures you that your voice is going to be heard. Maybe it allows you to feel reassurance in the future of the relationship immediately; the sooner you have the argument, the sooner you can feel safe and secure again. This is a really understandable need, and you can communicate this to your partner – but their need for space is also valid, and you need to be able to understand this behaviour as what it is – a way to regulate and feel safe – not a rejection.
If you are the runner, when you face conflict, you may feel anger pretty strongly – at your partner, or yourself. You might be afraid of rejection or abandonment as well, especially if your partner sees you as you see yourself, but also a deep fear of being vulnerable. You might start thinking that you’ve failed – failed by having needs, or allowing the conflict to occur, or by having any emotions about it at all. Maybe you learnt when you were younger that your emotions or needs wouldn’t be met, so now you find it difficult to begin to express them to someone else. You may have an ‘avoidant attachment’. Your overwhelming urge is to get out of the situation – you need to leave and have your own space, and maybe pretend the argument is not happening at all. This is a really understandable response to conflict, and communicating this urge to your partner is useful – but their need for reassurance that the relationship is still safe and the conflict will be discussed is also valid.
The next step is figuring out if and how you can stay regulated during conflict.
It’s so normal for conflict to bring up our threat responses and make us behave in ways we don’t really want to – and wouldn’t if we could just convince our minds and bodies we were safe. So, having some tricks for regulating our nervous systems that we know work for us can be really helpful. A lot of people try and skip this step, but trust me, calming your body down first is going to make feeling okay with conflict a huge amount easier. It can allow us to understand that all the big beliefs about ourselves or our relationships – fears of being hurt, or left, or not being enough – are not about what is going on for us right now, but about our experiences throughout our lives coming up, and that right now, we’re safe. For physical relaxation, grounding techniques, and vagus nerve stimulation methods can be found in our resources section! We can use these techniques to keep our bodies and minds calmer in the moment.
If you feel like you understand yourself and your patterns well, it can be really helpful to write notes in advance of arguments (which are likely to happen regardless of how healthy your relationship is) to show ourselves reassurance that the past doesn’t have to be the same as the present. You could try a script like ‘Hey, [name], you’re feeling really anxious because there’s some relationship conflict going on, and relationship conflict activates [x] beliefs about yourself due to [x] experiences. Breathe, you’re okay. Your relationship is good and this isn’t a rejection or danger.’ The better we understand our own beliefs about ourselves and the world, the easier it is to manage them during conflict.
The last step is coming together to discuss your patterns and negotiate your needs.
If you’re the ‘runner’ and you need space – how much space? For how long? How will you reassure your partner that you aren’t abandoning them, and that you will be able to have a conversation about the conflict once you’ve had time to self regulate?
If you’re the ‘pusher’, what kind of reassurance do you need in a conflict? What could your partner do before getting some alone time that will make you feel safer? Are there people you can lean on while giving this space if you don’t want to be alone? How do we bring up the conflict again when we are both feeling calmer?
It’s important to find a some strategies that mean both of your needs are being met – don’t self sacrifice, or force your needs to be the priority!
Hopefully, this can help you become more aware of your patterns and how to manage complication dynamics when there’s conflict in your intimate relationships, but if you find yourself becoming overwhelmed when experiencing conflict in your relationship even when implementing these techniques, you might benefit from spending some time exploring your beliefs and attachment type in therapy. At Garden Room Therapy, we are trained in attachment amongst other modalities. Feel free to complete a contact form and we will respond to begin the free assessment process.
